When Nice Guys (and Girls) Finish Last
The psychology behind our misguided search for “Happily Ever After.”
Just a quick disclaimer, I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV. Health insurance sucks in America and the last time I checked, if you call 9–1–1 for a broken heart you’ll get hung up on or laughed at. Some folks do have an officer show up at the door, but it’s actually a stripper that was ordered for your Grandma Helen’s 100th birthday.
She has mourned your grandpa’s death many years ago because she knew she had found “Mr. Right,” and perhaps it’s time for a little “Mr. Right Now.” She’s content with this geriatric hanky-panky because well, lap dances don’t require much work when you have a bad hip, but more importantly she enjoyed the time she had with her late husband.
She loved the best she knew how and she understands the value of that time, the lessons learned, and the space that she holds for him in her heart regardless of this uniformed stud in front of her. He on the other hand, realized the address was a nursing home when he typed it into Google maps on the way there.
We’ve all seen the memes and heard the story. Perhaps know some living examples. We even might have seen the clips on a morning show with the subtitle— “Couple Celebrate’s 70th Wedding Anniversary” followed by the anchor spewing the question with the sincerity of a blackjack dealer and a forced smile, “So what’s the secret you two?” “How did you make it this far?” I think almost 100 percent of the time it’s some answer like — “well, a glass of bourbon in the evening!” or “we do the crossword every day together” It’s a punchline for a a cute segment on ever-lasting love. A tribute to what is possible.
You never hear “her breathe smells like sauerkraut and prune juice” or “when I look under the sheets, I realize he didn’t save anything for retirement.” That’s because relationships that have longevity like you see in those milestone moments, glance over the moments of despair or perhaps trivial, mundane pet-peeves about their partners. Through all that suffering they have endured year after year they have found meaning in their lives — through their growth, together.
It’s difficult to answer the age old question, “what is love?” or “how do we find love?” And it’s even more daunting to write about it, albeit keeping this article short (not happening). As we all know by now, love comes in many forms and it’s a different answer for everyone. What it looks like, our “love languages,” plus for some believers, a whole galaxy above us with stars made of shapes that determine our compatibility — a bull here, a crab there, a lion and throw in a scorpion for good measure. We’ve all thrown our hands up at one time in our lives and said “what the fuck!” when it comes to love, sex, marriage, and our feelings around them.
Most of the time there is some unconscious things going on underneath the hood of our skulls to reveal a brain that has a frayed wire connected to our hearts. It’s shooting sparks, butterflies and birth control into our eyeballs causing us to cry tears of love and loss on a rinse-repeat cycle sometimes.
Years ago when Grandma and Grandpa Helen (we’ll just call them that, we all know who wears the pants) would walk together to get their paper cup prescriptions, the sewing circle, book club, and water aerobics crew would snivel underneath their moth ball sweaters and ask “how did SHE land a guy like THAT.”
We’ve all done it before. Seen a couple in a store, quickly evaluate them based on looks, height, weight and perhaps create a narrative in our minds on what made them choose each other (ok, perhaps it’s just me). Sometimes we may think someone is dating down, or lucky, or perhaps question why we’re still alone and the dynamic duo of Charlize Theron and Uncle Fester over there seem to have chemistry. Well according to a shit ton of research and books out there we may actually be sabotaging our own love lives more than we know it.
The Swipe and Wipe Mentality
Let’s start with a big sigh. We download the app. We fill out the questionnaire, and POOF! A plethora of potential matches at our fingertips with endless opportunities. As we gaze through “ugh’s” and “ah’s” of men or women, our brain is flooded with opportunities (and chemicals) of love based on pre-determined check boxes.
Height preferences, smoking preferences, drinking preferences, political leanings, and quantity of kids or pursuit thereof. We filter our imaginations down to our opposable digit, swipe right, match and before you know it, we’ve been in the bathroom for way longer than we should have and it’s probably time we get out of here.
Our date is probably wondering why we’ve been gone so long. The date that we matched with a week ago and are now hiding from in the Applebee’s restroom because every angle of every selfie didn’t expose the reality of his or her personality and taste.
There’s no check box for “emotional stability” or “love for chain restaurants” but we’re upon a new generation where more than 50% of relationship success has occurred through online platforms. On top of that, 72% of women state that it was very important to them that the profiles they looked at included the type of relationship the person was looking for (aka. checked boxes), compared with about half of men (53%).
In other words, we’re not taking into account these highly curated platforms, not to mention the highly curated personality that we might encounter once we actually meet this match in person.
I certainly am taking into account the weeks (or days, depending how adventurous you are) of texting, getting to know this person through what is the most misconstrued method of communication.
“Hey! How was your weekend?” is now considered boring and likely to get you ghosted. Say what? But I sent the smile emoji? What did I do? There are millions of blogs and articles on how to craft the perfect online dating profile. In other words, we’re amidst a digital dating generation where we think the combination of one’s and zero’s will land us a ten.
We tend to fixate on things that are actually irrelevant in the long term and hold them to a higher standard because we imagine ourselves to be with a certain type of person. Looks, income, social status, height, and maybe even the kind of vehicle they drive. We may even think about how our last names would fit together, how we look in pictures, is he holding a fish on the one fishing trip he took with his now dead Grandpa Helen because it has meaning to him and he’s new to this dating thing. We don’t actually know do we?
Swipe left on any guy holding a fish without any context to me is like swiping left on a women holding a shrub cutter at Home Depot. Some people have different hobbies but just fish once a year, while others may like their new gardening tool for landscaping but actually look insane. On top of that, we judge them on the false narrative of the human highlight reel that is their social media or selfie. Do these five or so pictures, two essays, four questions, height and location parameters determine our true worth to someone? It doesn’t because we’re using the objective to determine the subjective.
Look I get it, online dating is the norm. First impressions are critical. Time is precious. Attitude is everything. But a checkbox profile of how you would like to project yourself rather than how you actually are is skewing what you might attract and the results you might get. Which ultimately means — it’s going both ways.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t portray yourself in a flattering way. We are after all trying to attract other people, not discourage them. But can you honestly say that you can describe who you truly are in 500 characters or less? Plus add in some pre-determined algorithm ice-breakers to fully encapsulate who you are and what type of relationship you’re trying to cultivate? I’m betting you can’t.
So why are we so quick to judge others when we ourselves are lacking the substance that is truly within us on predetermined questions and limiting profile substance? Wouldn’t we want our potential partners to give us the benefit of the doubt and not be dismissed on superficial traits? Yes I know Tinder requires a spark, but when the lighter your holding doesn’t even work, you might have to get out the flame thrower.
Stable Ambiguity
Technology and social media has paved the way of staying connected with others, not too much where we are surrendering our freedom, but just enough interaction where we don’t feel completely alone. Psychologists have called this “stable ambiguity.” The tension between how disposable we feel, how commodified we are as people on the very apps we choose to look for in a relationship.
The way we look for partners is so similar to how we apply for jobs that we fill out these “resumes” in hopes to not only present ourselves as the right candidate but hopefully find the right candidate for ourselves.
In this relationship culture, expectations and trust are consistently questioned and over-analyzed because the culture itself is making it difficult. The state of stable ambiguity inevitably creates an atmosphere where at least one person feels lingering uncertainty. Neither person feels truly appreciated and there is an underlying question of our own self worth in which we are consistently second guessing how to respond, what we should respond with, and some of that insecurity results in a lack of authenticity between both people.
We are attracted to the novelty of someone, how they present themselves to us through the lens of how they view themselves. Filters, angles and lighting to attract the type of person they want. When was the last time you saw a guy with a picture of him mouth breathing while he sleeps? Or the women that has Cheeto crumbs on her college sweater as she lays on the couch watching “The Bachelor.” You wont find those on Bumble but we all know that this is what love might look like eventually.
Sometimes the device we use has the ability to confuse love and affection as an actual tangible object that we’re able possess. Something we can just toss in the garbage when we’re through with it (“ghosting” anyone?) There is an underlying reality that we’re almost unconscious of when it comes to putting in the effort in finding the right person for us beyond “matching.”
It seems the digital dating experience has us lying to ourselves in how easy it is to look for the next potential match just by the sheer amount of choices available to us. How many times have you matched with someone, messaged them with the most friendly greeting, just to get no response? Or had a conversation with someone for a few days and then the responses get fewer and far between and the hint is right in your face with no explanation. It’s not just confusing as fuck, but it’s baffling. Plus for some of us, it may consequently poke at those insecurities even more. “We matched, our conversation was going well I thought?” “What’s wrong with me?”
We sign up for these accounts but then balk at the idea of interaction, quality communication, first dates, over the phone conversations (like actually speaking through that telephone thingy), in order to be our authentic selves that truly shows the content of our character. It seems that we’re looking for love, yet are sabotaging our chances with the mere thought of inconvenience, quick judgements or analysis paralysis.
The Paradox of Choice
As a graphic designer by profession, there’s a well known meme that usually circulates through the creative community and that is the one of the “client request” chart. It’s an eye-rolling illustration of the unrealistic expectations that clients have when asking for a design. You have 3 circles — great, fast, and cheap (yeah, free is in there), but you can only pick two. But your trading off one specification for the other because it’s just unfeasible for anyone in the profession to meet the presumptions that we can just “whip something up real quick” and have it meet their standards.
You want this tomorrow? Well, I’ll drop everything else I’m doing and give you the best design I can in that time frame and that will cost you $1000, because obviously you’re a high caliber client who’s stature is so exceptional that I’m sure your wallet can speak to this. Right…right?
I feel like this chart draws some parallels in what we expect when analyzing our prospects when finding what we think should be the “perfect” partner. We have romanticized expectations because we have started to confuse what we deserve with what we actually desire. Our needs versus our wants.
Esther Perel, an author and psychotherapist who specializes in love and relationships is quoted as saying “Love is a verb and not a permanent state of enthusiasm given to you by someone else who is perfect while you are still not.” Imperfect people with the expectations of a perfect person. In other words, seven out of ten of us know our shit stinks and the other three we can already smell.
In the dating world we pull out our proverbial wallets and instead of finding someone to match the value of what we’re requesting, we start with a full wallet and begin to deduce the value in someone because we’re picking apart someone’s superficial characteristics. Think of it as starting at one hundred dollars and counting down because we’re looking for what isn’t meeting our expectations, rather than starting at zero dollars and counting up because we’re finding good qualities in a person.
We have to reframe our “settling” mentality and start to think of it as “compromising.” You can have your requests but just know that you will be giving up other aspects of what you think you want because we’re expecting the complete package.
We continuously swipe left or talk ourselves out of our own potential at even choosing a partner let alone staying in a relationship because our choices have just become so massive. Psychologist Barry Schwartz coined this downside in decision making as “the paradox of choice.” This stipulates that while we might believe that being presented with multiple options actually makes it easier to choose one that we are happy with, and thus increases our decision satisfaction, having an abundance of options actually requires more effort to make a decision and can leave us feeling unsatisfied with our choice.
As a result of the paradox of choice, people also seem less likely to commit or spend the necessary quality time getting to know someone since they can just get right back on the app. The mere fact of having the ability to change our minds about our decisions makes us more likely to change our decisions. And instead of wondering if we’re truly happy, we’re wondering if it’s the best we can do. Think of the guy or girl who adores you, checks in on your day, want’s to spend time with you, and buys you that black turtle neck and gold chain you always wanted — what tends to unconsciously happen is that we tell ourselves “well, if he/she thinks I’m so amazing, maybe I’m amazing to someone better?”
We have to reframe our “settling” mentality and start to think of it as “compromising.”
Schwartz termed this individuals into two groups, “Maximizers” and “Satisficers.” A “Maximizer,” let’s say is someone who goes shopping for a new Troll doll for game night at the old nursing home. Trolls are good luck. Irene that elderly bingo dabbin’ damsel from the Ovaltine association just can’t settle for pink fucking hair on that troll doll because maybe green hair will better her chances at the jackpot? Well, what about orange? Maybe blue will bring her good luck? She’s just so conflicted because she seeks out the most optimal outcome when making a decision. It’s fucking bingo Irene, slow your walker.
Grandma Helen on the other hand is a “Satisficer.” She wants good luck , so she just needs a rabbits foot. A rabbit. It’s foot. That’s it. She on the other hand is an individual who is more concerned about making a ‘good enough’ decision and fulfills their desired criteria like, I don’t know, something thats lucky? Instead of making the best decision, Helen has one simple need and that is to satisfy her desire for a lucky trinket to potentially get her what she truly wants or at least the potential of getting. She also knows damn well that a horse shoe thrown at Irene’s silver mane would probably increase her odds as well. Tough crowd.
I use this analogy because it’s just so prevalent in our decision making when it pretty much comes to anything nowadays. Especially when it comes to our seemingly never ending quest for what we think would make the ideal love interest. Our Amazon browsers and internet tabs are filled with endless suggestions, advertisements, recommendations and comparable options, gouging our eyeballs to make us second guess our decision, read some reviews, and leave the items in our carts for further examination.
The online-dating community is no different than our convenience economy, where we can filter our recommendations down to height, weight, and hair color just to swipe right on a superficial trait of a human being and cross our fingers. Then we legitimately decide if this person has any communication skills through a texting platform just to set ourselves up for not only grammar and spelling illiteracy but perceived emotional illiteracy as well. The only difference I see with this comparison is that we’re not giving ourselves a real chance at reading the proverbial reviews.
We browse and browse to potentially connect because we are so dead-set on our “vision” of what love (with a little bit of luck) looks like that we don’t give many people an opportunity to prove themselves through real authenticity. Real action and verbal communication will ultimately create an unseen value in a person that will inevitably surpass any superficial trait in the long run but we continue to fool ourselves that the right choice is just around the corner.
The seemingly infinite supply of options just means that we care less, it’s easier to distance ourselves, change our minds and treat people like items in an online shopping cart. Continue like this and we’ll all have a seat next to Irene with a row of plastic trolls, faded regrets, memories of what could have been, and a stack of losing bingo cards next to the fizzing sound of a glass half empty — only this time with our dentures in it.
The Myth of “The One”
Old couples are the cutest aren’t they? Like the couples that still sit next to each other during Wednesday night’s spaghetti social. Chewing with their mouths open while completely ignoring the ever growing red marinara that stains their lips, sharing stories of their grandchildren.
When we imagine elderly couples having a meal at the dinner table after all these years, we realize a couple things — it’s not just cupid that is wearing the diaper anymore and the myth of true love in and of itself is as ancient as the bowl of chalky dessert mints at the exit.
We long for the arrow from that chubby cherubim to pierce our hearts so we can experience that secret and seemingly elusive passion we have long heard about and have a seat at the table of love, spaghetti stains and all.
Someone to fulfill our romantic destiny by breaking our dysfunctional patterns in our relationships, knowing our every wish and desire in an almost effortless means of flowing communication, finishing each others sentences, having everything in common and being one step ahead of our own needs before we even think it ourselves. I mean, that’s our “soul-mate” after all isn’t it?
According to a Marist Poll (basically a nationwide research college) — 73% of Americans believe in soulmates and more men than women believe that they are destined to find their one, true soulmate (males: 74%, females: 71%). Plus, 79% of people younger than 45 believe in soulmates, while only 69% of those over 45 do. I mean it seems fitting that most of us have been conditioned to think that this is a legit thing, so the numbers don’t surprise me in the least bit.
But, what about the people that don’t? Or what about the people that are still waiting? Are we destined to scour the earth for our true love, traveling from continent to continent in hopes that our person will just pop out of thin air like “Salt Bae” at the soft pretzel restaurant at the local mall? Or should we perhaps join a sex-addiction therapy group just to improve our chances?
Luckily for us, some professor named Raymond Knee and his colleagues probably tried the sex-addiction therapy group, got kicked out, but kept the free cup of coffee to do a bunch of research on implicit theories of relationships. They set out to determine if our success in love is determined on whether we should believe in this “soul mate” thing or not. Must’ve been some good coffee.
The first question they ask is — do you believe that there is one person that is meant for you?
Knee and his colleagues also wanted to know if there was a difference in how people answered this question. He found that people fell into one of two categories — Growth Belief or Destiny Belief.
Growth Believers think “I know this relationship is going to progress slow and take some work because no one is perfect. I don’t know what is happening in my pants right now but I know this relationship will take real effort because love is something you can build. We will overcome our adversity together and diagnose our problems with or without pants.”
Destiny believers tend to say “I know my true love is out there somewhere. One of these day they’ll show up and that one person who is meant for me will bring the stars from the sky and put them into their eyes, and one look from them I’ll know, I’ll just know because stars are just exploding cosmic gases and when they speak my head will explode too. Sorry, do you know which aisle are the telescopes?” You get the idea.
Through this study Knee was essentially examining the questions we may ask ourselves because these very questions and how we internalize them actually do have an effect on the success of our relationships. When we’re using mental energy to access our partners or potential love interests, sometimes we overlook our own patterns of behavior. We’re too busy looking for our partners rather than trying to cultivate a partnership.
Love is meant to be explored and the science seems to suggest that looking for a “soul-mate” decreases the motivation to make things work. We always think of “not settling” when it comes to our quest for love but then chalk it up to “bad luck” when we find ourselves side-eying that awkward sexy section of the grocery store, hastily pushing our shopping carts through the aisle because we can’t come to terms with our choices in men and women (ok, maybe that’s just me too).
Maybe we have to drop the word “settling” all together and start using the word “compromise” instead because most of us know that relationships take adaptability and being open to growth from the get-go. So what gives?
Well, ask yourself these questions: Do you feel that you have several deal breakers? Have you fled a relationship at the first sign of hardship? Do you feel like you keep dating the same person? Have you ever used your zodiac sign as an excuse to be an ass hat? (yes I understand your offended, just bare with me for now it gets worse.)
Having short-term, intense relationships which we often confuse with passion, lends itself for quick disillusion when we’re all of a sudden faced with a challenge in the relationship. “Ope, better go and find my person” is usually what comes to mind when you’re a Destiny Believer.
“Better work this out” may be a more appropriate response because we do understand that love is to be explored. Perhaps when our last relationship ended we didn’t dwell on where love went or where it is — but where the lesson was. Over the years and through our experiences we can all say that we’ve experienced different forms of love from different types of people. Acknowledging the lessons and finding solutions that fosters growth between you and your partner will make you a Growth Believer.
Love is one of the scariest and amazing things we can experience in our lives and most of the time during the process we are both scared shitless and amazed pant-less. We should continue to take risks and test our own boundaries to make real connections even if they work out or not. If they do workout then go ahead and tell yourself that you found your “soul-mate” (hell, “soul-mates” if you really want to) but don’t ignore the process in how you got there. I understand that not all bumps in the road are minor and deal breakers can be real reasons. Our values and principles should take precedence over an annoyance that could perhaps we resolved over a difficult conversation.
And as you can see, the recipe for love takes a little bit of “oh shit” with a little bit of “fuck yeah” to make things work out. But rather than be stubborn to think that a person won’t change with a little bit of teamwork and perseverance, perhaps we need to stop trying to think love is something that we find and start thinking that love is something that we already have to give to others. If this wasn’t the case, then I might as well change the subtitle of this article to “we’re all fucked.”
The Chase
I can imagine the questions that you‘ve been asking yourself — “Geez Dave, who pissed in your bowl of shit flakes this morning?” or perhaps “Haven’t you watched ONE Disney movie in your life, you poor thing?”
I know, I know. Personally I’m not a fan of Disney cartoons. I tend to prefer the cartoons where a cat is chasing a mouse, a coyote is chasing a roadrunner, and my most favorite — a French skunk is chasing a look-a-like black cat and smothering her with kisses because he believes in love at first sight (er, scent). A skunk who was essentially created to tease a Looney Tunes creator, and according to this memoir, this fellow animator “was always baffled when women didn’t return his attentions” and “his devotion to women was at times pathetic, at times psychological, but always enthusiastic.”
It sounds all too familiar. Which is perhaps why after a few decades of chasing, I still think the character has some comical parallels to my love life. No, not the “nonconsensual” part, and I’m not here to defend or perpetuate any idealism, stereotype, or culture. With societal context aside, I also don’t want to perpetuate my bachelorhood with the wrong choices, baffled discontent or enthusiasms. I’ve cancelled and been cancelled, been attracted to the wrong scent, but now the chase continues with a little psychology behind it and a better choice of words. I stopped watching morally unethical cartoons a long time ago and I also have a twisted sense of humor which may include sticking my own foot in my mouth. I also started learning and teaching myself a thing or two about my own past relationships and I’m just trying to share some ideas with an attempt at humor. The point is to get us all to stop and think outside of the echo chambers and consider our own behaviors and thought process.
Did the cartoon reference offend you? Maybe it was off-putting? Does the previous analogy really encapsulate my character, or somehow skew your perception of me? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. But pay attention to how quick you may be to judge someone just because I mentioned a cancelled skunk cartoon.
Sometimes the same texts, cheeky humor or not-quite-perfect responses can be misconstrued or find us already dismissing the value in which someone could bring our lives simply because of our superficial judgements. In fact, the University of Maryland and the Michigan State University Department of Social Psychology conducted a study in which they found that dating app users swiped right or left in less than a second.
We spend more time choosing toilet paper at the grocery store, even when we know which kind we like. We still inspect it, squeeze it, check the price, and then poke a whole in the top so we can carry it to the car. Finding life long true love? Ain’t no one got time for that shit.
An entertaining cartoon is just one opinion of many just like one dead fish and love for dogs, doesn’t even touch upon someone’s real essence. It seems we don’t give anyone a second glance or even a second. Period.
So if you didn’t shut your laptop, stop reading or “ghost” this article already, then maybe there is the potential to be more open minded and willing to participate in the curiosity of learning about one another, rather than just see what’s on the surface. What I have observed in my own experiences and observations is that somehow this mindset doesn’t pertain to our love lives and our curiosity is pretty much limited to the an impression before the first impression because somewhere along the lines we created “standards.”
I will also state that in my experience I have unconsciously been guilty of romanticized expectations because somehow, somewhere in my life I have in fact watched too many Disney cartoons. Add the occasional rom-com recipe of boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy then literally falls to rise above some adversity to win the heart of said girl and live happily ever after. Roll credits.
There’s no additional scene at the end that shows the couple fighting over what to eat for dinner. There’s no additional scene of your loved one rolling down the car window because they let one rip. There’s no additional scene of one partner going through a bout of depression after the death of a loved one. The support that is truly deserved is somehow lost in Hollywood’s depiction of what true love should look like and most of us have been convinced that modern romance is in fact reality when it truly is science fiction.
We try so hard at being correct rather than curious and completely ignore the middle ground of our relationships. We avoid imperfection when seeking “the one” for us because we somehow know the ending of the fairytale in our heads on what love is supposed to look like, and that this “one” is just around the corner waiting to sweep us off our feet like the chance encounter in the movies and shows we consume.
Of course I understand our “standards” can be developed by heartache, trauma, and abuse. But understanding how high your walls are built, and how they got as high as they did means you should understand what can pass through the cracks without the expectation that someone will smash the wall completely down. Our relationship history, childhood, parental figures, and over-all mental health has a lot to do with our compromises and our perceived red flags, and who we’re willing to give the hammer to knock those walls down. It’s more like a chisel sometimes. Add in attachment styles, and this is subject matter turns into an article three times longer that I’m not going to write, but you can start here if you want to know more.
Grandma Helen didn’t suffer through the pitfalls of online dating, nor did she even have the abundance of choices we all have today. It was all about lifespan, good genes and procreating to make a good family that can withstand the lifespan designated to the human race in the early 20th century. She met a man who was mostly impervious to disease or illness, strong and somewhat educated and perhaps made a good living on the farm and participated in the Sunday service. No check boxes. No online profile. No social media.
We seemingly compare our love lives to those of yesteryear, celebrate milestone anniversaries, and hope that our marriages or relationships will withstand a great depression, a global pandemic, bad health and a couple of children. Whereas some of us ask ourselves where we went wrong, perhaps we should ask ourselves how things are different, both in our surroundings and within us. Bad hip and all, Grandma Helen outlasted her husband not just with her health but indeed with a little bit of luck. Their love transcended her loss because of the perseverance, commitment and compromise she made to the relationship from the start.
Could she predict the future of her love life? Of course not. Now that Mr. Right has passed, “Mr. Right Now” could perhaps use a little support from Grandma Helen in the form of a few dollar bills because, as he’s found out himself — we could all use a little bit of awareness on what motivates us and pay more attention to our decisions and how we all got here. The motivation to put on that tight uniform and shake his tail-feather for a few cougars in assisted living isn’t to make a quick buck, he’s just putting himself through school. Sometimes embracing the long game of growth and education means loving yourself first. Keep chasing that and maybe love will find YOU.
