“Are you serious right now?”
…and other Buddhist sayings.
Mindfulness.
If I have to hear, read or speak that word one more time I think I might vomit. MIND. FULL. Mind-full-ness…I can’t even spell it correctly most of the time, so I’m just going to leave the little red dots under the word here as an auto-correct reminder to change it. FULLNESS. Sure, that word makes sense, by dictionary definition it means “the state of being filled to capacity.” So together, mindfulness should mean “mind filled to capacity” right? I mean, that’s the logical explanation. But when you hear of mindfulness in terms of its popular use, it generally represents the ability to be fully present, an awareness of where we are, what we’re doing and perhaps not being overly reactive or overwhelmed with situations around us.
Considering the nature of what our mind needs to process and compute in each waking moment, how are we able to control our mind to literally be “present?” To be a little less functional than what its primary function is supposed to be doing? It seems as though that inconvenient organ in our skulls that controls this flesh sack that we lug around is technically supposed to be practicing this “mindfulness” as a way to circumvent a full mind. This word is essentially a paradox of its own creation it seems. GREAT (insert cricket noise here).
I’ve been searching for the logical explanation of this word for the good part of two years and although I’ve had a fundamental understanding of it, it just seemed like another “Namaste in Bed” mug slogan on another filtered Instagram post, hashtag “go back to bed.” A gimmick. An elusive understanding that I heard over, and over, and over, in every audiobook I listened to until one day I literally found my mind FULL. I found myself a prisoner of my own thoughts clutching the bars of what was an outburst towards a friend from a statement that unintentionally stirred up some deep-seeded experiences from my past. Did I know that my experiences from many years ago could stir up the kind of emotion I was experiencing at that very moment? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think someone could invoke that kind of response from what I thought were just faded memories that had long been forgotten. I knew that my outburst wasn’t fair, it was unexpected on both ends. But thoughtful conversations were had, apologies were accepted, and it’s in the past. However, the past is exactly where it usually is, the past. It’s not going anywhere. It’s still residing in your subconscious tickling your brain as if to say “you wanna play a game?!” in a creepy voice ready for you to unconsciously react from moment to moment. I didn’t like the voice I heard that day, but it was a reaction that I had to live with.
If you asked me if I was “present” that day, I sure as fuck was. Anger. Shame. Regret. All of it. So many emotions that my mind was so full that I was mentally shoveling crap into a high speed fan. Some of that shit is going to get through, unfortunately some of it won’t. We all know how the saying goes. What I eventually understood was that I was present in a moment that was constructed from a different period in my life which caused that reaction. I soon realized that for so long I had been listening to people tell me WHAT to think, it was time to understand HOW to think.
The Present.
“They call it ‘the present’ cause life is a gift!” I’ve said this line before to so many people. What I didn’t realize is that the gift could be wrapped like shit. I suck at wrapping gifts. There’s way too much tape, the ends are folded half ass, tucked and disheveled, with a generic bow that somehow stayed in one piece in the closet from last year. Or better yet, those inexpensive bags that are just stuffed with that cheap paper to conceal the fact that we actually bought it on the way to the party. The reality is that we’re actually trying, just perhaps not in the most efficient or thoughtful ways. What we sometimes fail to acknowledge in this gift of life is that it actually comes with a receipt. It’s just that we’re not giving it to grandma because we bought the wrong color turtleneck — it’s only for us. So all that work we did for this “present” is a gift to ourselves, so be mindful (gulp) of your investment and make sure you know HOW to return it.
So what does this have to do with Buddhism? Well, the intent of this analogy and some fundamental principles of Buddhism is what practitioners emphasize as being “purposeful.” A method to counterbalance the auto-pilot that inhabits our mind most of the time. And as some mindfulness practices suggest, we shouldn’t take things for granted. Mindfulness challenges us to awaken from this mental clutter and appreciate the little things. You can purposely bring your attention to the gift your purchasing at the store for a loved one, include the receipt just in case they don’t like it, but sometimes (if not most of the time) we neglect our own “present,” forget the receipt and continue to sleepwalk through life. We open the gift we gave ourselves and we find what may be our current situation, our failed relationships, even our past traumas and we shame and judge ourselves for our circumstances or our own state of mind, meanwhile not digging to the bottom of the box to find the receipt. It’s in there, believe me.
The Buddha.
The word Buddha literally translates to “the awakened one.” And to give you the internet attention span history: It’s about an Indian prince who, in his twenties, chose to renounce his aristocratic life of luxury and seek enlightenment. After a period of severe self-denial, and attempting extreme starvation in hopes of this enlightenment, he developed a more moderate approach, realizing that neither indulgence nor denial could be effective in attaining his true goal. He then meditated under a large tree that came to be known as the Bodhi Tree or the “tree of awakening” and became the Buddha. In his own experience, what the Buddha realized is if we seek happiness purely through indulgence, we are not free. And if we fight against ourselves and the world we are not free. It is the middle path that brings this freedom. In the middle way, we come to rest in the reality of the present, where all the opposites exist. Got it? Me neither.
To expand on this analogy, the Buddha found his enlightenment through meditation and his journey inward, basically from what seems through trial and error, self judgment, with a sprinkle of frustration combined with hard effort. Simply forming his own “present,” not one of perfection and luxury, not one of starvation and dishevelment, but one of contentment and curiosity. The Middle Path. Through his teachings I began to understand that not only does the present not have to be perfect, but we just have to hold it in our own hands, observe it carefully and recognize what’s inside. And that mindfulness is essentially our own self-regulation of attention with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and acceptance. Do we understand what is inside our own gift? where it came from? who wrapped it for us? And where the fuck is the receipt? I don’t like it! Sounds all too familiar sometimes.
“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you.” -Buddha
The Return.
The gift we give we give ourselves leaves ALOT to unpack, both literally and figuratively. Our subconscious minds play tricks on us constantly through automatic decisions and reactions that we may not even be aware of until after they’re over. Sometimes we move on too quickly for our own good, toss out the gift, take it for granted, and hope that next year will be better. On the other hand, we can open the gift observe it and make a rational decision on how we feel about it. This goes for our self-worth, our relationships (both past and present), our jobs, and our goals. When you feel stressed out, hopeless, or panicked, pause and look for behaviors, bodily changes, or warning signs that are happening at the same time. Use reasoning to think the situation through, review the possible options, and choose the most rational and logical way to respond.
The other option is to meditate. “But how in the world do I focus on nothing!” That is a popular misconception, as well as my own for a LONG time. With all the negativity on social media, the news, and the uncertainty of the world, from a scientific perspective, our brains confuse this stress as a threat. Just like our anger or anxiety can hijack our emotions to have an unexpected outburst, internally or externally. The return comes when we grab the receipt and give ourselves the ability to say “Sorry, I’m just not feeling this right now” and exchange the gift for some insight or make a decision to learn something from an experience.
Meditation allows you slow down, focus your thoughts, not completely avoid them but come back to a mantra, or return to your breathe. This actually allows your frontal cortex (Bam! Science!) to regain control and through this practice, your brain is conditioning itself to choose the most reasonable and appropriate way to respond to a given situation. The Buddha’s own discontent led him to leave his own life of wealth and luxury. He then starved himself only to realize, “this is uncomfortable, and I think I’m kinda hangry.” He suffered through trial-and-error to understand what it truly meant to be content. His real freedom didn’t lie in his desires, expectations or attachment to outcomes, they were inside him the whole time. His own path.
The Practice.
Over the last two months I dove DEEP into Buddhism, only scratching the surface of what this ideology really consists of. With over 470 million followers, different interpretations, and different practices throughout South Asia, Southeast Asia, Indonesia, and the Far East, scholars technically consider Buddhism one of the major world religions, but there is no deity or God. To me, it was some prince in his late 20’s who literally said “I don’t like this and I’m going to do something about it.” Sounds like something most of us would say, especially in my twenties and I was broke, damn! I tried meditation 3 other times before even learning about Buddhism, and then implemented a habit process I had already researched that works for me. I don’t sit cross legged all the time, I do it on my bed with the lights dimmed low, my cat gets in the way of my focus, my thoughts wander SO MUCH sometimes, and I would definitely suggest not eating a bowl of chili before your meditation. I’ve learned that mindfulness is fucking hard for me to spell for some reason, but the auto-correct doesn’t happen after I type it, the red dots appear underneath the words — anger, stress, anxiety, disappointment, and sadness in my own head giving me the opportunity to return those thoughts back into my brain before I react.
My meditation practice has been the most transformative practice I have implemented and I have only been doing it consistently for a little over a month. It has helped tremendously with my anxiety, chronic pain, stress (working for a local news station mind you), and overall contentment. I feel through this “enlightenment” of the Buddha’s teachings, I’ve found my own unique way of coping with my own flaws, imperfections, and all of this has transcended to my own understanding on how my own brain works. To sit every day twice a day and tell myself to focus, and then fuck up over and over again, it conditions you to first forgive yourself and then dispel negative emotions that arise in other situations…self-checkout line…probably still a thing. But that’s just it. When the Buddha stepped out of his pampered lifestyle it was so unfamiliar that he wasn’t aware of the suffering that existed beyond the walls of his palace. As far as I’m concerned, at 20 something years old, I can imagine he was like “Are you serious right now?” Because it was so profound. Just like the lady in the self-checkout somehow doesn’t know what a barcode is for her 4,567th time at the checkout, you can ask that question in your own head, or you can ask out loud “do you need help with that?” Because we may not be aware of her suffering, nor aware of the pain, loss, stress, or anxiety of the people around us, just like the Buddha leaving his royalty behind him, stepping into the unknown.
“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal and throwing it at someone else, you are the one getting burned” -Buddha
I’m far from perfect as we all are, but through this recent journey of mindfulness practice I have found my “present” through Buddhism. It may look like it was wrapped by a T-Rex, shipped by Fed-Ex, dropped down the stairs, but when I open it there’s nothing there but a fan, a shovel, and a box full of styrofoam kernels. So instead of my shit hitting the fan, my projection of emotions now blow softly into the air before I speak or react like snow on the tip of my tongue. This path may not be for everyone, but I do know that I have to hold this gift in my hands for the rest of my life. I know that I have to continue to be curious about what’s on the inside, but also know that I can control the reality of how I perceive the outside. Perhaps the missing “L” in “mindfulness” that I continually misspell, may be in fact the lower level of an elevator to a higher destination. We all know we have to move forward, but sometimes it takes looking up to find your own way.
Disclaimer: As I know this is a super diluted version of Buddhism that I hope people will understand, it certainly doesn’t present very important points and teachings of the Buddha, such as Dharma, The 4 Noble Truths, The Noble Eightfold Path, Impermanence, Suffering, and Non-Identity, among many others. And I understand it may even make true Buddhist gasp. I try and share my journey through humor, sarcasm and metaphors to be a little more tangible to my friends and readers. As I know Buddhism can be a complex subject in its philosophy (it certainly was for me as I’m still trying to grasp some concepts), I encourage anyone who is curious about the subject to reach out to me or explore the audiobooks that I have listened these last two months (above) which helped me understand Buddhism. As I am no expert YET, I certainly understand that true Buddhist Dharma practice comes with being in service to others. So please, reach out to connect with me directly, comment, or share, and thank you for reading this article!
Books from Right to Left:
Left Picture:
Why Buddhism Is True By: Robert Wright
Think Like a Monk By: Jay Shetty
You Belong By: Sebene Selassie
Stress Less, Accomplish More By: Emily Fletcher
Waking Up By: Sam Harris
The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching By: Thich Nhat Hanh
Middle Picture:
The Untethered Soul By: Michael A. Singe
The Surrender Experiment By: Michael A. Singer
The Buddhist on Death Row By: David Sheff
The Dharma of the Princess Bride By: Ethan Nichtern
The Road Home By: Ethan Nichtern
The Buddha’s Brain By: Rick Hanson PhD
Right Picture:
The Book of Joy By: Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Douglas Carlton Abrams
Radical Compassion By: Tara Brach PhD
Radical Acceptance By: Tara Brach PhD
